Just in time to get around to write about my ultimate BTS bias (Park Jimin) life struck me with its never ending twist, turns and sneak attacks.
The job I’ve held for over 11 years is coming to a close and I am going to find myself venturing into the job market after working with the same people and entrenched in work habits (good and bad) for the first time in eleven years.
On top of that my resilient, apparently indestructible, unsinkable, strong, ninety-three year old grandmother unexpectedly departed this world, leaving behind a wake of bewildered grief and devastation in my family. I know she was 93, a long fruitful life and all, but since she was still as witty, smart, healthy, aware, and present as ever her loss felt horrifyingly abrupt.
During the time of my grandma’s passing at the end of August every time I reached for my phone to make funeral arrangements, call the cemetery, talk to cousins, coordinate with my sister, explain things to aunts, call Kinko’s to make sure her poster picture was ready for her funeral, I would see the screen saver of Jimin’s face and it always made me smile a little bit. A respite among the chaos and numbing, fuzzy headed kind of grief I was (and still am) experiencing.
It’s been a little bit over a month since her parting. I have been trying to write this post, unsuccessfully, for the past three weeks and I am still unsure as to how to explain the feeling. Am I feeling adrift? Yes, actually, a little. Am I feeling both excited yet terrified by the job change? Definitely. Am I also feeling like a monster because I have been unable to cry like I feel I’m meant to and supposed to after the loss of the matriarch of my dad’s side of the family? A thousand times yes.
My predilection for Jimin is unshakable, I love the other six members of the band but Jimin holds a special place in my heart. I was having a hard time figuring out why and after thinking it through I had an epiphany and realized the reason behind it is that I admire everything in Jimin that I don’t posses.
Jimin is so comfortable with vulnerability that sometimes he makes me, a hardcore fan, uncomfortable. He will cry unabashedly when he feels like it. He will confess his loneliness and ask for company. He will admit to hurt feelings without the need to save face. He will admit to anger instead of playing it cool in an odd posturing to show he is above intense emotions. And this dude is not only comfortable with his own emotions but he is comfortable dwelling on everyone else’s as well! There is so many videos not only done by their production company but fan cams where he shows just how much he cares about his friends, his family, his craft, the staff, the animals in the cities he visits…. literally everything and everyone falls under the purview of Jimin’s kindness. And part of me, the biggest part, admires that… the other envies him that ability.
I found myself wanting to cry so often during the week of my abuelita’s death and my family can be a pain in the ass and overwhelming, in numbers alone, but they were such a comfort. Every time I would give into the pressing need to cry there was a family member ready to offer a shoulder for me to cry on, a hand to hold, a hug to embrace me in. But as soon as I hugged them they would break down in tears and right away my own tears would dry up so fast. It’s not like it was their fault! When you’re on the verge of tears there is no surer way to break the dam than to receive comfort. And yet the opposite was true for me, the feeling in my chest wouldn’t go away but the tears would be gone again and again until I found myself dry eyed and sad but in control. I didn’t want to not cry. I was softly crying at all moments for days and days. But I truly wanted to let go the same way they were. I wanted my tears soaking someone’s shirt and snot coming out of my nose because that’s how I felt inside. And while I cried and plenty a tissue was soaked, I never did get that cathartic sobbing I so desperately needed. I told my sister a week ago I was going to watch Coco as a form of emotional laxative, because if there is a sure way to cry about the fact I don’t have any grandparents left, it’s Coco..but she adviced against it.
I am 36 year old who can’t cry so how can someone so young, who grew up in a bubble of sorts, having his life managed because of his chosen profession, his days structured rigorously, his every move recorded for future movies and plans, how can he be more in touch with his emotions than me? How can he cry so comfortably? How, when someone else cries, does he manage to say the right things, or no say anything at all and sit there, bearing witness to that person’s pain and cry with them when necessary, dry their tears, console, hug… for real, how does he do it?!
When someone gets emotional around me (and it happens a lot because SOMEHOW I am utterly surrounded by criers and overly emotional people) I get kinda angry. There must be something seriously wrong with me because I want to tell the person hurting to keep it together. Keep your chin up. Do.Not.Fall.Apart. Ain’t nobody got time for that! And I think it’s partly because the role as problem solver in my family has made me feel like there is no time for me to cry and dwell, it’s time to act and solve and get to the next step and then and only then can we give crying a go….at that point the urge to cry has vanished.
Yet Jimin, in his infinity wisdom holds the best of both worlds, he is in my opinion the most ambitious, dedicated, hard on himself, structured, indefatigable, and regimented member of the group (and that’s saying something in a group of seven overachieving maniacs) and he does it all without compromising and giving up his emotions, his empathy, his ability to cry and hold in his arms someone who is crying who is hurting. He is so unafraid of it that I literally cannot fathom how he does it. How come he isn’t a giant bruise of hurt emotions if all his walls are down and he embraces, so fully, all those feelings? How does he function? I’m afraid I’d spiral into the universe, turning myself into stardust if I were to give in every single time into the emotions that overwhelm me.
I couldn’t the find the words before, the words to explain why I like him the most. It’s because he is both strong and weak, hard and strong, tough and kind, confident yet inexplicable hesitant about his level of talent, sexy and cute, sweet and snarky. And I love him for it, for being an example of what dealing healthily with emotions should look like. For showing me what it looks like when you let your heart lead, and your brain be second in command, have a say, but not rule. But I am such a Capricorn I guess I am dealing the cards the stars dealt me the best way I can.
I think my abuelita deserves a good cry, devastation and good old fashion epic grief. The kind that makes you throw up with crying. I have yet to give her that. I hope I can channel my inner Jimin and let go in a storm of weeping grief like no other and if not I hope I can be like Jimin anyway, and forgive myself for it.